Young Writers Society

I get where you both are coming from - and I think I know why its such a crummy work job. Since I usually write during lunch/recess at school, and usually there's so much noise going on around me, practically bouncing off the walls, I often find it difficult to concentrate. And since I'm the type of person who writes best in a quiet area (thought I do like it if there's some music playing - not really loudly, or anything, just kind of softly. It makes it so it doesn't seem too quiet, but at the same time it doesn't seem too loud. Just perfect. ) that can be quite a problem. Also, I've been having a major writers block for the past few weeks, so that's probably factored into this.

-Cat

Hello, my pretty procrastination project. I'll be your reviewer today. Just keep in mind, I'm going to be reviewing as I'm reading. My comments are bold.

Black Night Werecat wrote:A Witch’s Journal:
Foretelling



Barren. That was the first word that came to Karen in her dream. A barren wasteland. Here, the earth was so dry that cracks stretched and covered every surface That's awkward. Inch, maybe? of it. There were no trees, no lakes, nothing. It was all just hard, backed baked? or blacked? earth and clay. An ominous mist lay over it all, but Karen thought she could see shadows, figures moving around her.

Then suddenly, she saw it – moving steadily towards her, its flesh hanging in disgusting green slimy strips, its eyeballs bulging. One eye wasn’t even in its socket, but hanging from a thin red vein. Its clothes were mere rags, and as Karen watched, unable to move or speak, the creature moved toward her and grabbed her arm. The description was well done. But... we have no idea what distance it is from her, and there's no hint at all that it's even near her until it grabs her. More description would be nice.

Karen screamed.

All was calm. The sun was up, and light was coming in through the gap in the curtains. Not a sound went through the house, but somehow it was the silence that scared her. She hurriedly got out of bed and went to her parent’s room. She knocked. No answer. She knocked again. Still nothing. Finally, she put her hand on the doorknob and turned. It was unlocked. Even more scared now, she tiptoed inside. She turned, and there, lying in pools of blood on their bed, were her parents, ripped limb from limb. Two things. A) You give us no real description of the biggest thing in this scene- the death of her parents.
B) How does she feel as she goes through the house, as she opens the door, when she sees her parents. I'm not feeling any emotion.

Karen’s screams once again rang through the house as she dialed 911. She would really go STRAIGHT to the phone when she just saw something as traumatic as that? A women’s voice answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“My-my parents! They’re - they’ve -…” Karen cried hysterically. Once again, no emotion. You say she's hysterical, but we don't FEEL that.

“Where are you?”

“N-number th-thirteen, Highway Street, off of exit 296, but please ma’am, my parents!” Karen kept crying, unable to describe how horrible the situation was.

“Get out of the house as soon as you can. We’ll be right there.”

Karen dropped the phone, not bothering to put it back in its holder, and ran outside. In minutes, she heard the sirens, and then the police cars came down the street. Seeing Karen crying her eyes out, they parked their car outside her house and went up to her.

“What’s happened?” The woman asked, not unkindly.

Karen couldn’t speak. Dumbly, she beckoned them in, and ran up to her parent’s room again. When the police officers caught up with her, she just pointed toward the door, refusing to go in. Then, suddenly, the picture of her parents came back to her, and everything went black. She fell, unconscious, to the floor. DESCRIPTION PLEASE!

*****

When Karen woke up, she saw a room of white. The walls were white; the furniture white, even the bed was white. She turned her head slightly and saw a woman sitting beside her, knitting. At the moment, it just looked like a shapeless bunch of wool, but at the speed the lady was knitting, it wouldn’t stay that way for long.

“Well, it seems you’ve woken up. Good, good,” said the woman without looking up.

“Ummm…” said Karen uncertainly, “Who are you exactly? And…” she looked around, dazed. “Where am I?”

“Why, your in the hospital, dear. Where else would things be as scrupulously clean as this?”

“Good point… who are you again?” Karen sat up a little, regaining a little of her composure.

“Well now, let’s see: I am your great aunt’s cousin, twice removed,” said the lady.

“I didn’t know my great aunt had any cousins,” she said, then frowned. “Wait, scratch that, I didn’t even know I had an aunt, much less a great aunt.”

“Well, you do, and that’s that.” The woman looked sternly over a pair of rectangular spectacles. Karen stared back, blankly, wondering what to think of this lady.

The lady continued to knit. By now, the once shapeless bunch of wool had gained a definite form. It was a blanket. Pure black, it looked almost blue when compared to the stark whiteness around her. She then realized that everything the lady wore was black.

‘How odd,’ she thought, her mind getting fuzzy again. She dropped back onto her pillows, and was instantly back asleep. Nothing really wrong with this scene, but I'm assuming that she doesn't remember anything. If she did, she would definitely not be having a calm conversation with this old lady. (FYI: She's suspicious.)

*****

She dreamed of the barren plain again. Only this time, it was worse, for she could see everything. No longer was there a sickly, [s]disgusting [/s]green fog over it all; everything was all perfectly, horribly clear.

She saw millions of corpses, an army of them, walking towards her. Their flesh hanging from their bodies, their eyes bulging, scabs covering them from head to toe; they weren’t looking at her though. They were looking behind her. Slowly, Karen turned. There, behind her, was another vast army of corpses heading towards her[s] as well[/s]. The tow armies stopped, glaring at each other. Then they roared and charged at each other, colliding right before Karen disappeared, screaming.


*****

“Aaaahhh!” Karen thrashed about, and fell out of bed, hitting the floor with a thud. The pain from doing so brought her back to Reality no need for capitalization, and she looked up, staring, at the bemused, bespectacled woman watching from the doorway.

“Well now, get up, get up, we can’t have you lying on the floor all day.” The woman ushered Karen back into bed. As she lay back down, she noticed the room she was sitting in.

It was a room covered entirely in black. Everything that could be black, was black. The only thing that wasn’t black was a blue rose, sitting in a vase on the bedside table.

Karen wondered how she could see. She looked around for a window of some sort. There were none.

‘It’s like a cell. A prisoner’s cell,’ she thought uncertainly. ‘But why on earth would Aunt – whatever-her-name-is – want to lock me up?’ She couldn’t think of any reason at all.

“Hey, umm… Aunt - ?”

“Lily, dear. Lily Bodman.”

“Aunt Lily, why aren’t there, umm… any windows?”

“But there are!” Aunt Lily said with surprise. She walked over to the side of the room, grabbed hold of something, and flung it to the side. In poured the light of the sun, but even despite this, the room still seemed dark, as if the pure blackness of it sucked out all the sunshine, similar to a black hole.

“Oh… thanks Auntie.” Karen yawned, then got up and looked around for the door. Finding it, she made to go to the bathroom to do her normal morning routine.

Her Aunt grabbed her arm.

“Where do you think your going?” She asked this as if she thought Karen were about to go to some crazy, dangerous party with alcoholics and drug addicts.

“Just to comb my hair and brush my teeth, though, now that I think about it, I should probably take a shower too.”

“No, not right now. And you don’t need a shower yet, I can guarantee it. Anyway, you have school tomorrow, so you need to pack all your belongings, lay out your clothes, and make sure you’ve got everything you’ll need [s]for tomorrow[/s].Also, you need to clean up this room, bring in and unpack all your belongings that you won’t be taking with you to school. Until then, your not allowed to go back to bed.”

Karen stared at the woman for a moment, then just nodded dumbly and went about the business her aunt had told her to do. Somehow, she had a feeling that it would be suicide to try to argue – her aunt made her feel like one false move and that was that. Goodbye Karen, so long, farewell.

Okay, Overall:
1. More description.
2. More emotion.
3. Does she remember what happened? If she does, there is not a chance in hell she would be over the death of her parents.
4. It shifts a lot. Dream, reality, dream, reality. Blah. I don't think I like it. Also, you don't need so may of these *****. We know she's asleep.

The plot does sound interesting, though, and I hope you write more. Also, don't mind me if I'm being mean, I'm very nitpicky. It's all for your own good.


*****

Hi Black Night Werecat. (Cool name, by the way.)

An ominous beginning. I like the opening section, with the barren landscape; that establishes the atmosphere pretty well. I feel the part where she found her parents dead was rather weak and unemotional. You state flatly that her parents were ripped apart, but you do nothing to help the reader see or feel this startling discovery. Put us in Karen's head more so we can see the emotions twirling through her head. Perhaps go through her thoughts prior to finding her parents. It's all very well to tell us she's devastated, but it's something else entirely to make it a reality to the reader.

Now, I'm not sure I like the frequent shifts -- the sectioning of the piece: a little dream here, a little waking life there. It's very fragmented and jarring. We skip from short scene to short scene; you've got four of them in just this bit of the story. In fact, you might be creating more trouble for yourself than necessary. Take this part for example:

She dropped back onto her pillows, and was instantly back asleep.

*****

She dreamed of the barren plain again.

Anyway, you have school tomorrow, so you need to pack all your belongings, lay out your clothes, and make sure you’ve got everything you’ll need for tomorrow.